This is Not the Ark Post You were Looking For

I have so many questions and thoughts swirling around in my mind that I don’t even know where to begin, and I often feel like I am repeating myself, especially in this blog. I mean, how many times can you stand to read about how much I struggle day to day? How many times do you want to hear about my grief, my pain, my confusion, or my brokenness?

I guess the real issue is I can’t seem to make sense of myself anymore. I know something inside me is broken….way deep down inside…..where I can’t even find it. I just know it.

I try and try and try to articulate it, but it remains unattainable….unfixable…..elusive.

A piece of me is missing…broken…mangled….destroyed….stolen….and I don’t think it will ever be truly mended.

But I’m not in the throws of active grief anymore (at least I don’t think I am?). Some days I even feel “normal.” I look to the future. I hope for better things. I hope for love. But some days I feel miserable. I despair of the future. I can’t imagine better things. I fear love will never come back.

I am confused. I am hurt. I am broken.

I have questions in the back of my mind that I can’t explain. I wrestle with feelings, thoughts, and beliefs I once thought were solid but now seem like quicksand, and I’m not even sure why.

Have you ever had the sensation that you can’t quite understand something? It’s like looking at blurry photo. No matter how hard you try, you can’t quite make out what the image is. I used to get this sensation when I was in high school math class and the teacher was explaining a new concept. I remember sitting there, listening intently. Often, I even felt like I was following. I thought, yeah…I can do this, but the second class was over, I couldn’t remember how to work the problems. Or back when Dan was sick, I sometimes had that same sensation while listening to a doctor explain MRI results. I thought the whole time, ok….I understand, but as soon as we walked out the door, I couldn’t make anymore sense of that MRI report than before the doctor’s explanation.

My life feels like that same intellectual crisis moment all the time, but instead of it being just one piece of information, it’s my entire mental and emotional state. And I fear, unlike those moments after math class or a doctor’s appointment when understanding would finally come, this fog won’t lift. I won’t have that epiphany moment when everything just clicks into place and I understand. Life circumstances just don’t work that way.

So you see, I keep repeating myself because I am stuck in a quagmire of confusion that hovers just at the edges of my mind, and I find myself once again telling you that this post was not the one I had intended to write. I actually wanted to continue with my Ark talks, but I got caught up in the intro where I was going to explain why I like Ark so much. Ark is a place where I can forget all this confusion. Ark has set parameters. When you go there, you basically know what to expect. Yeah (as you will see when I finally get around to relating my adventures there), it has it’s pitfalls and disasters, but nothing there is unrecoverable. Nothing is un-mendable. The entire experience is what I want it to be, and even the “unexpected” is not really unexpected. It is the perfect escape for a control freak like me.

Maybe next time I will continue with Ark, but thank you all for listening to me rattle on (again) about all my woes. It does make me feel better to at least try to articulate my inner most thoughts, and who knows, maybe someone else out there feels the same way?


January is Over

I know it’s been a while since my last post, but January is not a good month for me. I suppose January is not a good month for many people. I have heard people often struggle with depression in January. It comes right after Christmas. The days are very short. The weather is crumby. All of those things can affect people in negative ways.

But January is the worst month of the year for me. Not only does it have all the downsides I just mentioned, but it is also the month that most reminds me of Dan. Some are good memories. Some are bad memories. All are now painful memories.

Actually, those memories start flooding in a few days after Christmas. You see, December 28 is the day Dan was found by a Macon police officer asleep in his car in a very busy intersection. His shunt had failed, and the hydrocephalus that ensued caused a chain of events that lead to multiple surgeries, days in ICU, and the discovery that his brain tumor was back. December 28 marks the day the nightmare began.

But the memories don’t stop there.

New Year’s Eve was the one holiday that Dan and I always spent together….just the two of us. After the busyness of the holiday season, it was always so nice to ring in the new year with a quiet evening at home and a bottle of champagne. But now New’s Year Eve is just dark, lonely, and depressing. It may now be the worst day of the entire year.

Then January pours in like an avalanche, bulldozing me with memories of my wedding, my honeymoon, anniversary get-aways, hospital stays, and a brain tumor biopsy.

Yeah….January is no fun.

But after spending the month hunkered down in my house like a doomsday prepper, I am finally doing better and ready to tackle life again.

Thanks, everyone for being patient with me. Hopefully, I can achieve a more regular posting schedule this year……and don’t worry…..I haven’t forgotten my Ark: Survival Evolved series. I know you have been dying to hear more about my virtual house, farm, and dinosaur pets. Well, you are in for a treat because the one bright-side to my January hermitting was logging countless hours on the Ark.

Yay!!!! Right?!!!!

*crickets chirping*

No? You’re not super excited to follow me down the rabbit-hole of video game grinding? Well, don’t worry. I promise my Ark series will not be too long, and I will do my best to make it as entertaining as possible.

See you soon…