I have so many questions and thoughts swirling around in my mind that I don’t even know where to begin, and I often feel like I am repeating myself, especially in this blog. I mean, how many times can you stand to read about how much I struggle day to day? How many times do you want to hear about my grief, my pain, my confusion, or my brokenness?
I guess the real issue is I can’t seem to make sense of myself anymore. I know something inside me is broken….way deep down inside…..where I can’t even find it. I just know it.
I try and try and try to articulate it, but it remains unattainable….unfixable…..elusive.
A piece of me is missing…broken…mangled….destroyed….stolen….and I don’t think it will ever be truly mended.
But I’m not in the throws of active grief anymore (at least I don’t think I am?). Some days I even feel “normal.” I look to the future. I hope for better things. I hope for love. But some days I feel miserable. I despair of the future. I can’t imagine better things. I fear love will never come back.
I am confused. I am hurt. I am broken.
I have questions in the back of my mind that I can’t explain. I wrestle with feelings, thoughts, and beliefs I once thought were solid but now seem like quicksand, and I’m not even sure why.
Have you ever had the sensation that you can’t quite understand something? It’s like looking at blurry photo. No matter how hard you try, you can’t quite make out what the image is. I used to get this sensation when I was in high school math class and the teacher was explaining a new concept. I remember sitting there, listening intently. Often, I even felt like I was following. I thought, yeah…I can do this, but the second class was over, I couldn’t remember how to work the problems. Or back when Dan was sick, I sometimes had that same sensation while listening to a doctor explain MRI results. I thought the whole time, ok….I understand, but as soon as we walked out the door, I couldn’t make anymore sense of that MRI report than before the doctor’s explanation.
My life feels like that same intellectual crisis moment all the time, but instead of it being just one piece of information, it’s my entire mental and emotional state. And I fear, unlike those moments after math class or a doctor’s appointment when understanding would finally come, this fog won’t lift. I won’t have that epiphany moment when everything just clicks into place and I understand. Life circumstances just don’t work that way.
So you see, I keep repeating myself because I am stuck in a quagmire of confusion that hovers just at the edges of my mind, and I find myself once again telling you that this post was not the one I had intended to write. I actually wanted to continue with my Ark talks, but I got caught up in the intro where I was going to explain why I like Ark so much. Ark is a place where I can forget all this confusion. Ark has set parameters. When you go there, you basically know what to expect. Yeah (as you will see when I finally get around to relating my adventures there), it has it’s pitfalls and disasters, but nothing there is unrecoverable. Nothing is un-mendable. The entire experience is what I want it to be, and even the “unexpected” is not really unexpected. It is the perfect escape for a control freak like me.
Maybe next time I will continue with Ark, but thank you all for listening to me rattle on (again) about all my woes. It does make me feel better to at least try to articulate my inner most thoughts, and who knows, maybe someone else out there feels the same way?