Catalog Humor

I, regularly, get lots of catalogs in the mail. Most of them are dog related because I’m a dog groomer. (Have I mentioned that before?)

Anyway, a lot of these catalogs sell grooming and pet supplies, but one of them has pretty up-scaled stuff like designer crates and beds, dog themed artwork and gifts. Stuff that is way more expensive than I can afford or justify buying, but I do enjoy looking through it.

Well, this particular catalog arrived in my mailbox today, so I started thumbing through it, when I came across a t-shirt with a truly funny saying.

“Your dog doesn’t know sit!”

Really! That’s what it said. “I shih tzu not!”

Seriously, I love puns, and dog related ones are the best. I don’t know if I would want either of those sayings on a shirt, but they would definitely make great bumper stickers. I would so buy that!

Actually, as far as dog related puns go, those are really good, but the best one I ever saw was years ago at a dog show. It really was a bumper sticker, and, to this day, I regret not buying it because it was the best, and I have never seen it since. I will buy it, in a heartbeat, if I ever see it again.

Now, before I tell you what it says, I have to add a little disclaimer. It uses a phrase that is regularly heard at ring-side because it is actually an official award, but is considered quite vulgar outside of the dog show world. So, the pun is somewhat edgy, but that’s why I like it so much.

Are you ready? Ok. Don’t say I didn’t warn you!

“Winners Bitch, and losers do too.”

There you have it. I know. I have a rather weird and dry sense of humor that I am sure has just shocked a number of people. Believe me, I wondered if I should post something like this, but the reason I’m doing this is to express myself. If I can’t be totally honest, then there is no point to this.

I have a lot more going on inside my head than I usually show. I tend to be very private about my thoughts and careful about my words. This approach has worked for me for years because I am very shy and insecure. In today’s medical lingo, I suffer from “social anxiety disorder,” but then Dan became ill, and everything changed. I changed….I had to. I had to be bold enough to speak for him, and somehow, in the course of learning to say what needed to be said, I gained something I never thought I would have. Confidence. Ironically, that’s the very thing Dan always tried to foster in me. I wish he could see the wife…the woman I have become. I hope he would be proud.


The Death Salesman, Revisited

Well, I met with the Grimm Reaper again, and it was just as surreal as the first time.

The Reaper was on the phone when we got there, so we had to wait in the conference room. When he finally came in the room, he gave us a puzzled look and started to ask who we were. Then, he suddenly stopped, mid-sentence, and blurted out, “Tela, right?!”

That’s not creepy at all!!!! I mean, the Grimm Reaper remembering your name? That happens to everyone, right?

I nodded, tentatively. He smiled, broadly at getting this right, looked through his old file cabinet, and joined us at the table, but he had barely sat down, when he decided we should all go out to look at different types of headstones. You know, so we could compare and decide what we might like….

That’s not weird, either, right?

Mr. Grimm suggested that we all ride in his golf cart, again, but then he remembered the cart was broken.

Ahhhhh…. How unfortunate. We had to miss out on the joy of the “whole” experience.

We got in the car and followed him to the same area he brought us to the first time, about a hundred yards from Dan’s grave. (I could see Dan’s grave, but I didn’t walk over there.) Then, Death, precedes to do his sales pitch, continuously pointing out various styles, sizes, wording, emblems. He would not stop talking. I just kept wishing he would shut up so I could think!

Finally, my in-laws and I agreed on what we wanted, and we all went back to the office/house of death to finalize the design. The ancient dude kept asking questions about where and how we wanted the name, emblems, and wording to look.

All I could do was nod. My mind was completely blank. I felt like I was in some kind of terrible dream from which I could wake.

We eventually settled on something. He said he would email me a proof before they actually cut the stone and I could make any changes then.

What do you think the Grimm Reaper’s email address is?

Of course, as soon as I got in the car I knew exactly what I wanted to say. Oh well. I will change what I need to in the email….


P.S. I did get the proof. It was very nice, and I made the minor changes I wanted. I think Dan’s final resting place will be as lovely as such a place can be.